Si Fractus Fortis

So God has at last taken me by the scruff of the neck and made me his. He has answered all my questions about how to do his will. This has been an amazing experience because for the last two days I have lived almost completely in his will, as I continue to do today.

The strange thing is that after all my struggles it turns out to be extremely easy. All I have to do is glance towards the Lord and let my conscience tell me what to do next. It is easy and clear. God rarely fails to give a clear answer and when it is not clear I can just continue unperturbed. So easy. And how quickly it has made all the difference to my life.

Time seems to have changed completely. Before I was rushed and couldn’t even get through a minimal workload. Now all is ease and open country. Is this just one of the “consolations” which God gives to beginners - or is it something permanent? My feeling is that even if it gets more difficult, I do at least know what I should be doing.

A question I want to examine is why the other methods I have tried didn’t work. Now I’ve found a method that does work it should be easier to see why they don’t. So let’s have a look at them:

Method 1. Doing nothing unless I get a definite impulse of the Spirit. I found this incredibly hard. I think it’s because although I listened for guidance, I didn’t ask for guidance. That’s a lesson about prayer. God needs to be asked. Just waiting around doesn’t do the job, pace de Caussade.  The right answer is a two-way exchange. I apply to God - he responds.

Method 2. I give all my thoughts, worries, cares, etc, to God and then act in faith without making any decisions. What is the problem here? Again it’s the lack of the two-way exchange. In Method 1 I waited for God without applying to him - in Method 2 I act without applying to him. In both cases, the result is the same. there is no exchange of of love between us.

Method 3. This method seems much more similar to the right answer. But instead of glancing towards God to get his will, the request is verbalised: “What is your will, Lord?” So why does that not work? It’s difficult to see what the difference is. It is two-way, but instead of having the beneficial results of the right answer it ends in frustration like the other two.

I think to see the difference I have to try both now. First the right method: I am writing this journal. I glance internally towards God. It is a look of love and trust. Immediately I feel his approval of my going on writing. It is simple and takes no time. I feel at peace as I write. Grace flows smoothly.

Now let’s try Method 3. I am writing this journal. I ask God: “What is your will, Lord?” “Carry on writing” is the response. But I don’t get the sensation of a loving interchange. Instead of a glance of understanding, I have a formal request and a formal command. The verbalisation makes it a matter of intellectualisation, rather than grace. The answer in both cases is the same, but the spirit of the action is very different.

Next question. Why did it take me so long to work this out? I don’t believe it was because God was hiding himself. I think it must have been because of a lack of true commitment on my part. Let’s see what the common factor is that was missing in those three methods. The one obvious word is Love. They are all mechanical ways of getting God’s will, rather than a true loving surrender to the Father. In other words they were all ways of getting God to make me more efficient or feel better or whatever - in short for him to serve my purposes rather than for me to serve his. I have to some extent over the months of struggle been conscious of this. Of course when one has the true loving interchange with God, he delights in serving my purposes. We delight in serving each other’s purposes.

As to why God couldn’t have revealed all this to me ages ago, I don’t know. Perhaps I was unable to hear the answer. Perhaps I needed to battle through these issues in order to understand them fully. I don’t know. But questions like these are exactly what one surrenders into his hands when one makes the Gift of Oneself.

Exsurge, Christe, adjuva nos

Et libera nos proper nomen tuum