Experiment Day 1
Saturday, February 16, 2008 at 11:07AM
Si Fractus Fortis in Daily Life, God's Will, Sanctity, Surrender

11 a.m.
So far today I have got out of bed, had breakfast, read the newspaper and looked at my email - a perfectly normal Saturday morning in other words. Has being recollected before God made any difference? Not any obvious difference I have to say. In fact what has mainly happened is that I have been struggling internally with what exactly it means to be “recollected”. Is it just a matter of trying to keep consciousness of God in one’s mind, or is it something more?

I think I have inside my mind some sort of picture of what it should feel like to be doing God’s will. It’s difficult, perhaps impossible for me to identify exactly what that picture consists of, but I know when the way I am feeling does not conform to it. And therefore I am aware that just being consciously in the presence of God is not sufficient. There has to be a sense of hearing from God, of being led or guided by him as well. So there is, or should be, a strong element of of both hearing and of submission to what is heard.

I find that I hear God best when I am most surrendered to his will. What I have gradually learned over the last year is that God’s will is not just a matter of the events which happen to me and the paths which he wishes me to take. God’s will includes everything that happens, and that includes my own thoughts, feelings, impulses and actions. So there is a sense in which I have to accept from God’s hand even my own imperfect actions. Obviously there is scope for misunderstanding here. It is not a matter of doing whatever I wish and then saying “Oh, that’s all right - whatever I do is God’s will” because then I would be like Judas saying “It’s God’s will that Jesus should be crucified, so I’m doing God’s will by betraying him.”

Nevertheless when I consciously surrender my past, present and future to God and take on faith that my actions will be according to God’s will, even if they seem very imperfect to me, then at the same time I find that I can hear God most clearly. It’s the surrender that makes the difference. So perhaps my seven-day experiment is one of surrender rather than one of recollection.

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