For many years I was unable to make up my mind whether I believed in God or not. Sometimes I tried to live as an atheist and sometimes as a Christian, but without much success at either. As I grew older I found myself in a state of constant oscillation.
One thing did remain constant though. I was never in any doubt of the importance of the question. Some people seem to be able to live life completely indifferent to such things - but I have never been one of them.
Then one day I got completely fed up with the struggle and said to God: “I give up. I’m just going to trust you to get me there somehow”. Since that day I’ve never been tempted to go back to atheism. A few years later I was received into the Catholic Church.
But then an even worse struggle began - the struggle for holiness. It was only when I made a serious attempt to follow Christ, that I discovered the real power of sin. Like Paul, I cried out “Who will deliver me from this body of sin?”
And like Paul I found the answer to be “Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ Our Lord”. In fact the answer was exactly the same one that pulled me out of atheism into the Church of Christ - “I give up. I’m just going to trust you to get me there somehow”.
Isn’t this the meaning of “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”? Christ doesn’t condemn us, he saves us. My mistake was that I was struggling to be good instead of giving up and trusting the Lord to do the work.